Harry Potter and the Idiots of the Iceberg
by museforsale
Summary: Erik, Christine, Raoul, Meg and Carlotta from the Phantom of the Opera gets stuck in Antarctica, and Harry and his two friends go to help them...Not for Dora, Boots or Raoul fans, like there are any. Major crossoveriness.
1. Break him offa piece of that Kit Kat bar

Harry Potter

and the

Idiots of the Iceberg

Chapter one:

Kit Kats and Fops

_(Disclaimer: No matter how hard I try, I will never own Harry Potter or the Phantom of the Opera, so I'll just say screw it. But I'm basing the Phantom characters offa the new 2004 movie (sorry!), and the Harry Potter ones offa a movie also, although this is supposed to be their sixth year, I guess. Although that's not important. Wait... did I just type 'that's'? NOOOOO! I DID IT AGAIN! I NEVER TYPE THAT! Well, thas it, so I hope you enjoy my newest Phanfic!)_

(_Christine and Raoul are taking a walk on the street; Actually, Raoul is taking a walk and Christine being the lazy little git she is wants Raoul to carry her, many protests from him of the heavy-ness, and complaining that she weighs a ton. Boy, I'll bet you cant guess who won that fight, huh? Wait...rambling...no rambling... Getting back to our little developing story here, Carlotta walks by with her poodles, looking disgustedly at Christine and Raoul, who are now kissing, and didn't notice her)_

RAOUL: Christine, my feet hurt...whine whine whiiiiiiinnnnne! I need a break... (_Christine, knowing what the idiot meant, pulls out a kit kat bar and stuffs in his mouth. Don't ask where she was hiding that bar, seeing as the dresses didn't really have pockets then, as far as I know, because I don't know either. IT JUST HAPPENED, OKAY!) (muffled)_ Franks.

CHRISTINE: That better, honey?

RAOUL: Not really. Me wanna nutha! Nutha, nutha, nutha, NUTHA! (_He starts frantically waving his arms up and down, which caused Christine to fall, of course)_

CHRISTINE: I would give you more, BUT THEY'RE SMASHED NOW! (_she pulls out the kit kat wrapper from the back of her dress, it was all squishy) _

_(Raoul helps her up, and points and laffs at her)_

RAOUL: Haha, looks like you made a poopy! (_his face goes blank, forgetting what he was talking about)_ Christine, I wanna break! _he breaks off into that commercial song) _Gimme a break, gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!

CHRISTINE: (_throwing the chocolate covered wrapper at his face)_ here's your break, you idiot!

RAOUL: No, I don't want that! It tastes like butt!

CHRISTINE: You know what else tastes like butt?

CARLOTTA: (_chuckles to herself at the young couple's stupidity while they fight on, then coughs to make her presence known)_

CHRISTINE: _glares, then mockingly)_ Oh, Raoul, my dear man, it seems to be that toad Signora Carlotta Guidicelli! Let's go and congratulate her on her fine job in Il Muto, shall we?

RAOUL: Il whatta?

_(One of Carlotta's two cute and cuddly poodles that I really want waddled up to Christine and started licking her dress, trying to get all the chocolate. The other one joins in the fun!)_

CHRISTINE: Aah! Get them offa me!

CARLOTTA: No! My doggies, youa will get dirtzy! _She pulls the dogs away from Christine, smiling widely)_

RAOUL: Christine, now I wanna doggy!

CHRISTINE: Be satisfied with your butt-tasting break

RAOUL/CARLOTTA: Gimme a break, gimme a break! Break me offa piece of that Kit Kat bar!

CHRISTINE:_screams angrily and pouts off, kicking one of the poodles on her way)_

_(Kay, this takes place in Christine's dressing room. Christine, Meg and Raoul are just sitting on the bed talking, while holding about twenty Kit Kat bars each, when Carlotta bursts in)_

CARLOTTA: _holding a poodle, which has gauze around it's leg, she points at Christine)_ You deed thiz to Fluffypuff!

RAOUL: Fluffypuff? thas a gay name for a dog

CARLOTTA: Yez, ten wat would 'oo name heem?

RAOUL: Pretty pink pony! It's practical, and _not_ gay! _everyone stares at Raoul)_

_(Just then, Erik comes in magically appearing from behind the mirror! Yaaaaaaay!)_

ERIK: Hello Fop, ballet idiot, awful diva, hot singer that denied my love for an idiot.

RAOUL: WAAAAAAAAA! He called me a fop! Christine, gimme a break!

CHRISTINE:　Hello, Erik

MEG: Meep

CARLOTTA:...

_(Suddenly, Lord Voldemort appears out of nowhere, points his wand at the five peeps in the room, says some stuff, and Erik, Meg, Raoul, Christine, Carlotta, Fluffypuff, and the big pile of Kit Kats disappear. Lord Voldemort vanishes, seeing that his work here is done.)_


	2. Fops and Oversized Toothpicks

Chapter two

NARRATOR: (_and yes, I made the narrator magically appear in this chapter because I was too dumb too think of it before. And YES, I can do that, and that was uncalled for)_

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast, refusing the great call of life and the opportunity to do bigger and better things because they're lazy. The owls arrive with letters and that kinda crap. One particularly **_FAT_** barn owl drops a copy of the Daily Prophet in front of Hermione.

HERMIONE: (_readin the newspaper, well, DUH)_ Oh, thas too bad

RON: What? Another killing

HERMIONE: No, You-Know-Who sent five muggles, a dog and a pile of chocolate to Antarctica _A/N: I don't remember if she's not a coward and if she can actually say Voldemort, but let's pretend that she is a coward.)_

RON: _Homer Simpson and that donut thing he does)_ Mmm...chocolate..._gurgles)_

HARRY: What else does it say, Hermione?

HERMIONE: The muggles names are Erik, Christine Daae, Raoul de Chagney, Meg Giry and La Carlotta Guidicelli. Apparently, they were all just talking, and You-Know-Who came out of nowhere...

HARRY: Erik? Christine Daae? I think I've heard of them somewhere...

RON: Oh, Harry, who gives a damn? Here, Hermione, get into more detail about the chocolate...

HARRY: Ron, I think they were from this incident called the Phantom of the Opera. The Dursleys enjoy watching the broadway...

HERMIONE: Too bad the Ministry's not doing anything about it...

RON: They aren't

HERMIONE: No, they say it's all rubbish, helping muggles. All the other muggles don't know how they disappeared, no one witnessed it. If they bring them back, they'll tell everyone that a wizard sent them there, and then they'll all be searching for us

HARRY: _looks over at Ron, who is gurgling randomly)_ Why don't they just use a memory charm? _I can't remember if that's what it's called, and I'm too lazy to check the books, so we'll just go with what I wrote, then, shall we?)_

HERMIONE: _shrugs_

RON: _snapping out of his gurgling frenzy)_ Hey, I know? How 'bout we go to Antarctica and bring them back, then use the memory charm on them ourselves?

HARRY: Then we'll be heroes!

RON: Then we'll be famous!

HARRY: I've always wanted to be famous!

BOTH: (_breaks into song randomly, and I don't know what song, just a song that would go well with the situation)_

HERMIONE: HARRY! RON! Thas ridiculous!

RON: We learned that spell that makes able to go places, or at least you did _A/N: yes, I know there probably isn't any spell like that, and even if there was, sixth-years wouldn't know it. But forget about that little unimportant fact!)_

HARRY: Come on, Hermione! We can't let those poor muggles freeze to death, can we?

HERMIONE: Technically, we _can_...

RON: We'll just be there for what, an hour at the most. Bring them back to wherever they came from and get on with our lives

HERMIONE: Well...Mayb-

HARRY/RON: YAAAAAY! _they start to do the chicken dance)_

I don't wanna be a chicken

I don't wanna be a duck

So I shake my butt

Wa wa wa wa

I don't wanna be a chicken...

HERMIONE: Just in case we should pack sweaters and food and blankets and stuff

RON: Okay, ONWARD HO!

_(they all run up to the Griffindor common room, packing crap. They meet and exit the Hogwarts grounds, somehow. Magically! And in this story, magic isn't just an excuse, since they ARE magic... Anyway, Hermione uses that one spell on them, and they are sent to Antarctica)_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NARRATOR: We now once again join our humble little idiots Erik and friends, who are looking around wildly and freezing their asses off. Everyone, or mostly everyone is trying to find a logical explanation to what happened, while Carlotta is attempting to fight with Christine and Raoul sliding on his back, so actually most of them are dong nuttin

CARLOTTA: Tees ees all ur fault! 'Oo 'ired tat man-

CHRISTINE: If I hired him, then why would I want him to send me here, too?

CARLOTTA:...

CHRISTINE:...

RAOUL: _sliding towards them)_ Christine, can you give me a break

CHRISTINE: Get it yourself you lazy ass

RAOUL: Ooh, this kitty's got claws

CHRISTINE: _Steps on Raoul's face)_

RAOUL: Waaaaaaaaa...Christine, no owie! No owie! _slides away_

ERIK: Okay, that man must've _tries to explain complicated and elaborate plan to Meg, who just stares at him dreamily)_ So, in other words, I think he-WILL YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? NEXT TIME YOU DO, I WILL HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH THIS PIECE OF ICE! _Meg still stares at him like that)_ Okay, thas it!

_(he gets up and chases Meg with the big block of ice but trips over Raoul)_

ERIK: arghh...FOP!

RAOUL: Yeeeeeeeessss?

ERIK: You idiot... mumble mumble...wish had...mumble...punjab lasso...

RAOUL: Oh no, you di' 'en!

ERIK: HOW AM I ALWAYS DOOMED TO SPEND A LIFETIME WITH THESE IDIOTS?

MEG: (_screams)_

RAOUL: What... Is he here-The Phantom of the Opera?

MEG: Well, yes but thas not why I screamed

CHRISTINE: Then why _did_ you scream

MEG: That _she points to three teenagers )_

CARLOTTA: 'Ee're saved! _they all run towards them)_

RON: _seeing the weird old fashioned looking people running towards them)_ Bloody hell...

ERIK: Oh thank God, did you come here to save me? I've been stuck with _them_, and I don't know how much longer I can take this...

RAOUL: _taking Hermione's wand)_ Ooh, a toothpick! Wait, no it's too big _He snaps it in half)_

HERMIONE: NOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOO!...

CHRISTINE: What it was just an oversized toothpick

RON: You idiot, that was our only way to get back!

RAOUL: A toothpick?

HARRY: It wasn't a toothpick!

RAOUL: _pouts and folds his arms)_ well, then what was it?

HERMIONE: It was my wand!

MEG: Your wand? What do you need a wand for

RON: To do magic THEENGS!

RAOUL: Magic? Christine, I wanna do magic theengs now!

CARLOTTA: Mageek?

RON/HERMIONE/HARRY: YES, MAGIC!

CHRISTINE: Everyone knows magic doesn't exist

RON: Yes it does you stupid woman!

CHRISTINE:...

HERMIONE: What he meant to say is, you're-

RON: A stupid git

HERMIONE:NO, you're something we call a non-magical human, a muggle. We are wizards and witches, and we _can_ do magic, but we are just learning how. Wizards and Witches try to exclude themselves from muggles, because in the past they have had bad experiences with them. So Muggles have all forgotten that we exist, and thas how we prefer it...

CHRISTINE: _laffs)_ You kids are crazy!

RON: _grabs Christine and shakes her)_ GET IT IN YOUR THICK HEAD! MAGIC DOES EXIST AND WE ARE FULL OF IT! YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE, NOT US, AND WE'RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!

MEG: _quietly)_ How will you do that?

HARRY: We have wands too you know

HERMIONE: Yes, but you don't know any good spells do you?

RON: Great, we're stuck in Antarctica!

RAOUL: Quickly, we must reproduce!

ALL: (except Raoul and Erik): WHAT?

ERIK: I call Christine...

CHRISTINE: (blushes)...

RAOUL: Not fair! Then I want the girl with the puffy hair...

HERMIONE: I'm too young!

RAOUL: Fine then, all four of us men can share Christine and Meg!

CARLOTTA: Uat about me?

RAOUL: Oh, you're still here

CARLOTTA: Und what's tat supposed to meen

RAOUL: _tunin out)_ ummmmmmmm...

CHRISTINE: Means your hideous

CARLOTTA: Me? Non! Ur eedious

CHRISTINE: _sarcastically)_ yeah, I'm the ugly one...

RAOUL: _The Simpsons, Itchy and Scratchy)_ They fight...

ERIK: _joining in)_ They bite..

BOTH: They fight,

They bite,

They fight...

RAOUL: Fight, fight, fight...

ERIK: Bite, bite, bite...

BOTH: La Carlotta and Christine Daae!

HARRY: ummmmmmmm...kay...

MEG: Um, as long as we're all stuck together and still alive, maybe we should, y'know, get to know each other?

HERMIONE: Yea, probably

NARRATOR: And they all just stood there, staring at each other. And there was an awkward silence...

RON: Well, who's gonna start then?

RAOUL: Ohh, ohh, me me! _waves his hand anxiously in the air)_

HARRY: Okay then

RAOUL: I am Raoul Vicomte de Chagney, and I am married to Christine!

RON: So your name's Roll...

RAOUL: No, Raoul

HERMIONE: Ra-uul?

RAOUL: NO, IT'S-

ERIK: Just call him Fop

RAOUL: _sits down and pouts)_


	3. Fun with Butterbeer

Chapter three

NARRATOR: Now our eight heroes are huddled together, trying to cover themselves with blankets and stuff.They are meanwhile trying to keep themselves entertained...

RAOUL: Harry's a funny name! Are you hairy

HARRY: You're one to talk, Fop

RAOUL: At least Fop doesn't make me sound hairy!

ERIK: Hey, he accepted the fact that his name is now Fop!

RAOUL: Oh shit...

CHRISTINE: _(leaning on Erik)_ Oh, Erik will we ever make it out of here alive?

RAOUL:Why can't you ask me that?

ERIK: Because you wouldn't know the answer

RAOUL: _(forgetting what they were talking about)_ I'm hungry

MEG: I-I-I'm s-so cold

HARRY: Good thing that we brought these spell books _(he looks through one, and tries a spell. A bottle of butterbeer appears, and Harry drinks it)_

RON: How'dyou do that

HARRY: _(shrugs)_

RAOUL: Ooh, ohh! Make me one!

ERIK: Me too

CHRISTINE: I want one

CARLOTTA: I vill try it, vatevah it is

HARRY: _(making eight more bottles)_ It's called butterbeer

_(they all drink it. )_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NARRATOR: A few hours later...

ERIK: _(slurred and drunken)_ TALE AS OLD AS TIME...

CARLOTTA: _(also slurred and drunken, actually, they're all slurred and drunken) _SONG AS OLD AS RHYME...

BOTH: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

CHRISTINE: _(meow mix song)_ I want chicken

I want liver

Meow Mix, Meow Mix

Please deliver!

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

RAOUL: _(charmin ultra song)_ With charmin ultra less is more!

CHRISTINE/RAOUL: When we say less is more,

Less is more

More absorbent than the other leading brand for sure!

What you used to love now you're gonna adore!

With Charmin ultra less is more

Cha cha cha _(shakes butts while dancing with toilet paper)_ Charmin!

HERMIONE: _(Drew Carey)_Hello, and welcome to Who's Line is it Anyway

RON: _(Napolian Dynamite)_A friggin twelve gauge. What do you think

HARRY:Hey, lets all do the bunny hop!

MEG: Better yet, let's go swimming!

RAOUL: No, no! Let's underbunnywaterhopswimming!

CHRISTINE: You don't know me

ERIK: I'm a pretty girl!

RON: Hey, hey everybody! _(everyone stops their drunken rampage and looks at him) _Let's all sing Kum Ba Yah!

CARLOTTA: then veel be pretty and peeceful

EVERYONE: YAAAAAYYYY! _(they all get into a line and link arms and sing Kum Bah Yah)_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NARRATOR: A few more hours later...

_(They are all lying on the ice)_

RAOUL: Uggh,...christine I don't feel so good...

CHRISTINE: Christine's got a hangover, don't talk to her now...

MEG: _(turns over and barfs)_

RON: Oh, yeah. Yea, we all wanna hear that


	4. Yaaay! A cliffy!

Chapter four

NARRATOR: Okay, we will now join our heroes after their hangover. They are sitting on a bunch of crap, trying not to touch the ice, and are glaring at each other. And the one who broke the silence is...

RAOUL: _(DUH)_ I'm cold now

HARRY: _(sarcastically)_ Nooo...

RAOUL: No, I really AM cold! And if you cant respect that-

CHRISTINE: Guys, we shouldn't really fight

CARLOTTA: Vatevah, beetch

CHRISTINE: What did you just call me?

ERIK: _(sarcastically) _Yea, Christine. Lets not fight

CHRISTINE: Shut up Erik

CARLOTTA: Thees is still all ur fault, beetch. Und now Fluffypuff ees misseeng

CHRISTINE: Haha, it's all MY fault we're here, huh? Has nothing to do with that guy-

MEG: _(quietly)_ Please, let's not fight...

CARLOTTA: _(getting up and pulling Christine with her)_ You stole my part, you 'urt my dog, und now you sent us 'ere!

CHRISTINE: You wanna go?

RAOUL: Yes, please. I wanna go. I can't wait to be back home...

_(Carlotta and Christine start attacking each other)_

RAOUL: _(screams like a girl)_ ERIK, DO SOMETHING!

ERIK: _(throws little pieces of ice at them)_

HARRY: Oh, thas great. And a few seconds ago, she was telling US not to fight...

RON: Y'know what? I think I'll call Carlotta the Big C and Christine the Little C

HERMIONE: We've got to stop this!

HARRY: _(points wand at Christine and Carlotta and says that one thing that makes them hand upside down in the air, I forgot what that was. Christine and Carlotta are suspended upside down in the air!)_

CARLOTTA: Let me down! Eet's cold up 'ere!

CHRISTINE: It's cold everywhere, idiot

ERIK: _(to Harry)_ Why'd you have to stop that?

MEG: They look kinda funny

RON: Let's keep them up there!

CHRISTINE/CARLOTTA: What? NO!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

NARRATOR: A few hours later...

CARLOTTA: The blood ees rusheeng to my 'ead

CHRISTINE: Can I come down yet? I promise I'll be good

HERMIONE: You _promise?_

CARLOTTA/CHRISTINE: _(with cute little puppy dog eyes)_ Yes. Pweese?

RON: No, we still didn't have enough fun yet.

CARLOTTA: When VILL you have enough fun?

RON: _(to Harry)_ Harry, get the paint

CARLOTTA/CHRISTINE: WHAT?

HARRY: No, I think they've had enough _(points wand at them, says some stuff. Carlotta and Christine came headfirst down onto the cold ice)_

CHRISTINE: About time

CARLOTTA: My 'ead hurts

CHRISTINE: Well, of course it hurts. _(they start fighting again, so Harry sends them up again)_

_(there is a low grumbling sound, and Meg notices it)_

MEG: Guys, do you hear something?

ERIK: Yes, two idiots fighting

MEG: No, some sort of- _(she stops short. There is a huge crack in the ice, and it was coming towards them at top speed.)_

RON: The ice is cracking!

HERMIONE: QUICK, RUN!

_(they start to run)_

CHRISTINE: Hey, what about us?

HARRY: You'll be fine. You're in the air!

_(Raoul quickly runs back to them)_

CHRISTINE: Oh, thank God, Raoul. Honey-

_(Raoul grabs the big mound of chocolate and runs away with it)_

CHRISTINE: RAOUL, YOU DUMB PIG! GET BACK HERE!

_(A few minutes later, the ice below them breaks and drifts away)_

CHRISTINE: Well, thas great. I'm gonna die next to the 'great' La Carlotta

CARLOTTA: Cristine, I-I think the spell-

_(The spell had worn off, sending Christine and Carllotta into the freezing waters screaming. They're whole life flashed before their eyes)_


	5. Come on, Vamenos!

Chapter five

Come on, Vamenos!

NARRATOR: Harry, Ron Erik and all of them narrowly escaped the cracking ice, and now are venturing the snowy land in search for Carlotta and Christine.

RON: Where could they've gone? I swear, we have already looked here...

HERMIONE: We probably shouldn've left them hanging there

RAOUL:_(starts squealing exitedly)_ I'm so smart! I'm glad I did it!

ERIK: Did what Fop?

RAOUL:_(glares at Erik)_ I was smart enough to leave a trail of chocolate bars behind _(points at trail of chocolate bars behind them)_

MEG: Thas pretty smart, considering that it came from him

ERIK: Well, we have ourselves a classic Gretel

RAOUL:_(beams)_

ERIK:Who happens to be a girl

RAOUL: _(still beams)_

ERIK: Okay, an idiot

RAOUL: _(still beaming!)_

_(they decide to ignore Raoul and follow the trail of Kit Kats, which leads them to the edge of the ice.)_

HARRY: I think they're somewhere that way _(points to the sea)_

ERIK: Christine is my love, I cant lose her

HERMIONE: What about Carlotta

ERIK: What about her?

HERMIONE:...

ERIK:...

EVERYONE ELSE:...

MEG: EVERYONE LOOK IN THE WATER! IT'S CARLOTTA!

_(they all look, and Carlotta is floating in the water, lying on top of a suitcase that Harry brought. they help her up)_

CARLOTTA: Eet was zo cold, und-

ALL EXEPT HER: Where's Christine?

CARLOTTA: Cristine? I don know. But 'oo 'ave me, ri-

RON: We have to find Christine!

CARLOTTA: Vatevah

AN UNKNOWN VOICE: A girl is lost? We have to find her! Come on, vamenos!

_(they all look toward the source of the mysterious voice, and see a strange little spanish girl with a blue monkey in boots)_

SPANISH GIRL_ (Otherwise known as DORA)_: Hola! I'm Dora, and this is my monkey, Boots!

CARLOTTA: Hola

ERIK: Oh, god not another one

BOOTS: I'm Boots, the mon-

RON: She just said that!

BOOTS: Come on, Dora. THese people are mean

DORA: No, they're probably just grumpy. _(singing that retarded song_)

Come on, vamenos

Everybody let's go!

BOOTS: C'mon, let's get to it

DORA: I know that we can do it

BOOTS: Where are we going? _(clap clap clap)_

DORA: Arctic depths!

Where are we going? _(clap clap clap)_

BOOTS: Arctic depths!

BOTH: Where are we going? _(clap clap clap)_

MEG/RAOUL: Arctic depths!

DORA/BOOTS: Where are we going?

_(magical theme song)_

RAOUL/MEG/DORA/BOOTS: ARC-TIC DEPTHS!

ERIK: Okayyyyyy...

HARRY: Vamenos?

CARLOTTA: Dondo esta mes pantalones?

DORA: Aqui, aqui aqui!

ERIK: Everyone shut the hell up!

DORA: Uh oh! He said a baaaaad word!

RON: _(sarcastically)_Oh, shame shame shame!

CARLOTTA: THis faithless lady's bound for-

ERIK: Don't even think about it.

CARLOTTA:...

ERIK: Thas what I thought

RAOUL: Ooh, she has a monkey! I want it!

BOOTS: Dora, that man scares me

ERIK: Okay, whatever. The weird little spanish girl and her talking monkey can join us, BUT WE NEED TO FIND CHRISTINE!

DORA: Who's Christine?

EVERYONE EXEPT FOR BOOTS AND DORA: Ohmigod, they are friggin idiots

RON: Christine is the one thas missing!

BOOTS: I knew that!

ERIK: NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU RETARDED LITTLE MONKEY!

BOOTS: _(starts crying)_

ERIK: Who votes we can ditch them?

DORA: Thas not nice!

ERIK: Go shove it, you little brat

HERMIONE: Whatever, let's just find her

CARLOTTA: She's probably dead

RON: Scary mental image

DORA: That is not positive thinking!

RON: _You're _not positive thinking

DORA: _(pouts) _I hate these people, and hate is not usually in my vocabulary

RAOUL: Your vocabawhatalairy?

_(All stare at him)_

MEG: I'm just gonna start walking, I don't care about the rest of you

RAOUL: Nuuuuu! Don't leave me with them! They'll stare me to death!

_(they all follow Meg, talking about how they hate each other)_

ERIK: _(to Raoul)_ And I hate you the most, _(to Carlotta)_ And I hate you, _(to Dora)_ And I hate you, _(to Boots) _And I REALLY hate you, _(to Hermione)_ You're allright, _(to Harry and Ron) _so are you, _(to Meg)_ and you're tolerable

RON: Sweeeeeet...

CARLOTTA: Und I just 'ate 'oo all

RON: Sweeeeeet...

HARRY: How're we gonna find her

MEG: We should probably just try to follow the edge of the ice

RON: Sweeeeee-

ERIK: WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?

RON:...

RAOUL: Feisty

ERIK: Fop

RAOUL: Poopy head

BOOTS: Speaking of poopy, Dora, I need to go potty!

ERIK: THEN GO IN THE SNOW!

BOOTS: But thas not right!

MEG: You'd better'd just hold it in

BOOTS: _(pouts) _Okay...

ERIK: _(hums Angel of Music)_

DORA: That song sound pretty! Can you sing it?

ERIK: I need Christine to sing it, it's a duet!

DORA: Then sher can sing also! Where is Christine? Is she that one?

BOOTS: No, thas Hermione! Is she her?

ERIK: God, kill me now...

DORA: No, thas Meg! Is she that one?

BOTH: No, thas Raoul!

RAOUL: Huh? Whuzza?

ERIK: If you don't shut up now, I will kick the shit out of you two!

BOOTS:...

DORA:...

ERIK: _(singing to himself)_

Insolent boy,

This slave if fashion

Basking in your

glory!

RAOUL: _(singing)_

One, two, three four five

Once I caught a fish alive!

Six, seven, eight nine ten,

Then I let it go again!

Why did you let it go?

Because it bit my finger so!

Which finger did it bite?

This little pinkie on the right!

_(everyone starts humming or singing to themselves, then...)_

MEG: I SEE CHRISTINE! _(points to the water)_

_(they all dash over to where she is and pulls her out of the water. She is not moving. Harry takes her pulse)_

ERIK: Well?

HARRY: _(looks sadly up at Erik)_


	6. Weird Pairings

Chapter Six

Weird Pairings

NARRATOR: In the last chapter our little friends ran into Dora the Explorer and Boots, Erik got reeeaaaaally pissed off, and they found Christine. We'll continue where we left off...

HARRY: _(smiling)_ SHE'S ALIVE! She's still alive!

DORA: You see, since we used our POSITIVE thinking caps, then she stayed alive! If we thought awful things-

ERIK: Then we'd probably lose you, so we'd all be happy. Give me Christine-_(he takes Christine from Harry and kisses her)_

RAOUL: Hey, get your own wife!

ERIK: This one WAS mine, but you had to come barging in!

RAOUL: _(tries to take Christine from Erik)_

ERIK:_(Gollum)_ Noooo! My prrrrrrecccccccciousssssssssssss...

RAOUL: NO! MINE!

DORA: I'm sure we can all share her!

_(they all look at her)_

ERIK: Yea, how about not

MEG: Maybe it would be better if she was awake...

CARLOTTA: _(kicks her stomach. She coughs out water and seaweed)_

CHRISTINE: _(cough cough)_ It-it was-s- s-sso c-cold...

CARLOTTA: She ees now back, we are ree-jioceeng. But we 'ave sum unfinished beesness...

HARRY: No, you are not going to fight again

CHRISTINE: Wha-what? Who are they?

DORA: I'm Dora the Explorer, and this is my monkey, Boots!

BOOTS: You're not a mean person, are you?

CHRISTINE: I...guess not...Erik, why are kids here?

ERIK: Yea, why ARE you here

DORA: We were going to Grandma's house!

RON:Yea, and you ended up in the middle of the Arctic...I see that went _reeeal _well...

BOOTS: Dora lost the map

CHRISTINE: Wait, is that a talking monkey?

BOOTS: In boots!

CHRISTINE: Okay...good for you...

MEG: Now what do we do?

HARRY: I dont know...

RAOUL: Let's go back to what I first said! Let's reproduce!

HARRY/HERMIONE: NO!

DORA: What's that mean?

CHRISTINE: It's a special term...

BOOTS: For?

ERIK: Your too young

DORA: Oh, is it a Mommy and Daddy thing?

MEG: Yes, it a thing Mommy's and Daddy's do to make babies!

BOOTS: But I thought the stork brought babies!

RON: Yea, let's go with that...

ERIK: I get first picks...

RAOUL: No! I wanna pick first! Wait...let's let the red haired kid pick first!

HARRY: For the last time, we are not-

RON: I pick...

HERMIONE: RON!

RON: What? We should educate these little kids, seeing as they'll learn later. And what's better than showing them how it's done?

ERIK: Yes, but we'd all be barfing seeing you ontop of one of these girls

RON: And what's _that_ supposed to mean?

RAOUL: Whatever. Let's just say that he picked Christine... _(he shoves Christine into Ron)_ And we'll all just walk away and let you two do your buisiness...

_(they all walk away from them.)_

BOOTS: What? What are they doing?

MEG: You know, little monkey, you're starting to get annoying...

ERIK: Starting?

HARRY: This is wrong. We should be trying to stay sane, not having s-

DORA: I don't get it! What are they supposed to be doing? Are they making cookies?

BOOTS: Mmmmmmmmm...I LOVE cookies!

ERIK: We don't care! And no they're not making cookies

_(A few minutes later...)_

ERIK: Okay, we gave them enough time. C'mon, lets-

_(They all walk back to Christine and Ron to find them kissing)_

HARRY: RON!

HERMIONE: RON!

DORA: Oh, I get it, they were kissing!

ERIK: CHRISTINE!

MEG: Guys?

RAOUL: _(giggles) _Raoul

_(Christine and Ron look up)_

HARRY: What's all this then?

RON: You forced us together, it wasn't our fault!

RAOUL: Well, Christine's still married to me

CHRISTINE: But you're just a dumb fop. Ron is cute.

RAOUL:...

ERIK:...

HERMIONE:...

HARRY:...

MEG:...

BOOTS: So they were kissing! Is that what you didn't want to show us?

DORA: We're old enough to see _that!_

RON: Yea, thas it. We were just planning to kiss.

CHRISTINE: Uh huh...

ERIK:hmm...

CARLOTTA: Vatevah. Now that she's done vith that..._(grabs Christine and punches her face)_

DORA: AAAAAAHHHHHH! NO! NO, LET'S NOT FIGHT! LET'S TRY TO SETTLE THIS IN A MORE-

ERIK: Shut up. She denied my love by kissing that brat, so they can kill each other for all I care

HARRY: Yea, fat girl

DORA: I am not fat!

ERIK: Your stomach tends to stick out instead of in

DORA:...

CHRISTINE: Ah! DIE, BITCH! _(kicks Carlotta)_

_(everyone sits down to watch Christine and Carlotta fight.)_

_(Suddenly a bright light appears, and four people fall out. Actually, three people and a beast. Thas right! I inserted Belle, the Beast, Gaston, and the hunchback of Notre Dame in my story just for the heck of it! Sweet! I finally gave you Disney fans something to cheer about! Just to make things funnier, they all land on the fighting Christine and Carlotta)_

GASTON: Where are...I demand to know where we are!

BELLE: What? Is this Antarctica? Who are you?

BEAST: Grr...

CARLOTTA: _(muffled under the Beast) _Get...offa...me!

DORA: There are new people now! Let's count how many there are in Spanish! Uno, dos, tres, quatro! Now in Engilsh...

ERIK:Shut up, Oh God, SHUT UP!

DORA:...

GASTON: I seem to be standing on a lady. I will chose to pretend that I did not notice

HARRY: Thanks for telling us

RON: _(sarcastically)_ I could tell that we're gonna _looooove_ this bloke...Oi! Get offa my girlfriend!

GASTON: _(laffs)_ Let's see if you can try to get me off...

RON:_(pulls out his wand)_

DORA: What's that? Is it a stick?

RON: (mutters something that made Gaston's face swell up and turn purple)

GASTON: Ah! What is the meaning-

CHRISTINE: Oh, god I couldn't breathe! _(gets up)_

BOOTS: What did you do with that stick?

RON: We had to explain it to these idiots, we're not even going to waste our breath on you _(kisses Christine)_

HUNCHBACK: _(gazes longingly at them and tries to sulk away)_

MEG: Hey, you! We'd better stay together, we don't want to get separated

HUNCHBACK: _(turns around to look at Meg, who amazingly doesn't flinch at the Hunchback's distortedness. He walks up to her)_

RAOUL: Hey, you've got a curvvy back! Hahaha, you're even uglier than Erik!

ERIK/BEAST: _(glares at him for making fun of him for his mutated features)_

MEG:Raoul! It's very mean to make fun of someone for small things like that! Right, Christine?

CHRISTINE: What? Oh, oh yea. Yea, Raoul. Whatever she said

HUNCHBACK: _(looks shyly up at Meg. Awww...how cute! He's in love!)_

RON: How did you lot get here?

BELLE: A strange man appeared. He had a stick like yours, and...

HARRY: So for some reason Voldemort's sent us all here

CARLOTTA: Vy us?

HARRY: Maybe it's because you're all from the Phantom of the Opera experience-

ERIK: How did you know about that?

HARRY: Oh, I'll tell you later. And I think you are from some movie called Beauty and the Beast-

BEAST: WHAT!

HARRY: Umm...yea, and you're from the movie the Hunchback of Notre Dame

BOOTS: What about us?

ERIK: Yes, what about the annoying little talking monkey and the Spanish girl?

HARRY: I have no idea

DORA: We have our own TV show, too! It's called Dora the Exp-

RAOUL: Yea, yea. We all care

CHRISTINE: What's a TV show? And movies?

RAOUL/ERIK/CARLOTTA: Yea...

HERMIONE: I think it's some muggle thing

DORA: What's a muggle?

RON: We told you that we're not explaining it again

BOOTS: Pweeeeese?

RON: NO.

_(meanwhile, Meg and the Hunckback were talking...)_

MEG: So what's your name?

HUNCHBACK: Quazimodo. You're not scared of me?

MEG: Why, of course not..._(raoul's finger slowy apeared, poking the Hunchback's face)_

MEG: RAOUL, STOP IT! Why don't you go poke Christine or something? Or ask her for a break! That oughta keep you occupied...

RAOUL: Fine. _(looks over at the ocean)_ Hey, there's a ship headed toward us!

_(they all look, and Christine and Meg scream. The Titanic was hurtling toward them)_


	7. And Bammy! Thus starts another fight

Chapter Seven

Just Another Chapter

NARRATOR: We last left off when-Oh god, why do I even need to say this? It's not like anyone just sees this story and randomly skips to chapter seven! You should know what is happening, and I'm gonna ask the Authoress for a raise

AUTHORESS: No

NARRATOR: You're a poopy head

HARRY: Okaaaaayy...we still have a story goin on here guys.

RON: Yea, and we'd like to get back to it?

NARRATOR: Why should _I _care? What about _my _needs?

AUTHORESS: Your fired

NARRATOR: WHAT?

AUTHORESS: Yea, you heard me. A bouncy prep valley girl is replacing you, to make the story more interesting

NARRATOR: I hate you all. Bye!

NEW NARRATOR: Okay, like, they were all like, OhMiGawd! There is a big...umm ship comin! Oh my god, oh my god oh my god! We are all, like, gonna die!

AUTHORESS: Yea, y'know what. screw it. Your fired too. Hey you, come back! You're rehired!

NARRATOR: Yes!

NEW NARRATOR: Uh! That is unfair, dude! _(starts whining)_

NARRATOR: _(gets out machine gun)_ I'll take care of this

ERIK: Okay, disturbingness at a maximum high

NEW NARRATOR: Totally

RON: Whatever, lets just get back to our story!

MEG AND CHRISTINE: _(still screaming)_ Yea...can we stop screaming

ERIK: Wow, they're mouths are like a mile long

GASTON: haha...

RAOUL: Cheesy potatoes

HERMIONE: Um, y'know there's still a ship thas commin' towards us

ERIK: _(sarcastically)_Yea, we forgot!

RAOUL: Yea, I did

_(all look at him)_

_(By that time the Titanic hit the iceberg, but misses them completley. But since I'm bord of them and they really don't have any purpose in this story and never will, Gaston, the Beast and Belle fell off into the Titanic.)_

CHRISTINE: Well, that was...pointless

CARLOTTA: Yes, verreh

RAOUL: Heh, did she just say furry?

CARLOTTA: VERREH!

DORA: It's mean to-

ERIK: WE DON'T CARE!

BOOTS: I went potty

EVERYONE EXCEPT DORA AND THE HUNCHBACK: GOOD FOR YOU!

DORA: You're all meanies

RON: Thank you for that inspiring report, Jane Goodall

DORA: You're welcome

RAOUL: Wanna play seven minutes in heaven

ERIK: no

RAOUL: Wanna-

ERIK: NO.

RAOUL: K-

ERIK: Shut

RAOUL: bu-

ERIK: up

RAOUL:...Erikisameanpoopyheadandugly!

ERIK: You're a stupid fop, even during the whole Phantom of the Opera business

HARRY:Yea, as long as we're talking about that, Christine, why did you smile at all the wrong times?

CHRISTINE:What?

RON: Hey, yea! You smiled when the Phantom was singing the Phantom of the Opera, when he was swearing at you for taking off his mask, and during Past the Point! I mean, how much botox do you take

CHRISTINE: That wasn't me, it was all Emmy Rossum's fault

ERIK: Suuuuure...blame it all on your imaginary friend

CHRISTINE: She is not imaginary! It just so happens that I'm the only one that can see her. And she lives in my head, and is eating my brains right about now

RON: We can tell. Gives you certain brain damages

CHRISTINE: Nu-uh! I do not have brain damage-amage-amage-amage...

ERIK: _(to Raoul)_ Congratulations! You are no longer the only mentally retarded one

RAOUL: Whuzzah


	8. Carlotta does a Jig

Chapter Eight

Carlota does a Jig

NARRATOR: We last left off where everyone was fighting, and Erik and Carlotta was standin' awkwardly, and Erik's sad attempt at small talk, and-

NEW NARRATOR: Do you think these pants make my butt look big?

NARRATOR: Oh god, why are you still here?

NEW NARRATOR: The authoress said there can be two narrators, so shea!

NARRATOR: Arrggh...AUTHORESS!

AUTHORESS: Yeeeeeessssss?

NARRATOR: Did you-?

AUTHORESS: Yes, I did. Live with it

NARRATOR:...

NEW NARRATOR: Oh, we are like, gonna have SO much fun together!

NARRATOR: BACK TO THE STORY!

NEW NARRATOR: _(poutsy)_

_Anywayyy..._

HERMIONE: Ow, you broke my arm!

RON: Haw haw

CHRISTINE: You deserved it, bitchslap

HARRY: _(punchy punchy!)_

RON: OW!

MEG: DIE!

RAOUL: Hey, let's all have a dance off!

ERIK: Hey, the first smart thing the Fop said! I second that

_Everyone stops their fighting_

CHRISTINE: No, who votes we make Carlotta do a jig?

RAOUL: Me

ERIK: Aye

MEG: Me too

CARLOTTA: Vhat?

DORA: Now, we should just-

ERIK: Oh, me!

HARRY: I do

HERMIONE: Me too

RON: So do I

CARLOTTA: Vait, ve should just try to leesten to the little girl...

ERIK: Screw the little piece of shit. Who says the Chicken dance?

RAOUL: Bunny hop! The Bunny hop!

CHRISTINE: Do da macarana

RON: Dance like Napoleon did at the end of the movie!

ERIK: Those are all wonderful ideas! Why don't we have her do them all?

_they all smile evilly (dun dun DUN!) and advance on her_

_A few minutes later..._

CARLOTTA: I don' wanna be a chicken...

RON: You're not doing it right! You have to do the bunny hop at the same time!

CARLOTTA: _dances bunny hop AND the chicken dance_

I don wanna be a chicken

I don wanna be a duck _(hop hop hop)_

So I shake my butt _(dun dun dun hop hop hop)_

CHRISTINE: _(holds out her foot, making her trip)_

EVERYONE: _laffs_

CARLOTTA: I fell down and vent boom...

EVERYONE: _laffs harder_

CARLOTTA: Can I be done now

MEG: Yea, I guess so

ERIK: Well, that was the most amusing moment of my life, aside from seeing you hanging upside d-

CHRISTINE: I really don't think there's any need to mention that again, _Erik_

_-------------------------------------------------------awkward silence--------------------------------------------------------------------------_

RAOUL: Haha, all your clothes are ripped in _all_ the wrong places!

ERIK: What makes you any different, _FOP?_

RAOUL: I'm special

ERIK: In more ways than one

RAOUL: Thank you _(to Meg) _I can see your-

_(the light appeares again, and this time a fat guy with glasses come out, with a talking baby that has a head shaped like a...football, and a talking dog)_

FAT GUY WITH GLASSES _aka FGWG_: Where the hell are we

TALKING BABY: What the deuce?

ERIK: Oh, great, who are you?

DOG: God, is that the Phantom of the O-

ERIK: Yes, I'm the bloody Phantom, will everyone shut up about that

BOOTS: Ooh, it's a doggy!

DOG: Peter, I think we're in-

TALKING BABY: By God, we're in Antarctica

DOG: Uh...yea

FGWG: hehehehe...poo. Holy crap, they have big boobs!

CHRISTINE/MEG: WHAT?

RON: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

DOG: I'm Brian. This is Peter, and Stewie

PETER: God, it's cold here. It's colder then that time someone left the freezer open. _(a flashback. Peter is standing in his yard in winter. The freezer door is open, visible through the window)_

MEG: Okayyyy...

CHRISTINE: Yea, we already established the fact that it's cold

STEWIE: How the heel are we supposed to get out of here?

ERIK: I know exactly who to ask! Oh, Authoress?

AUTHORESS: Yes?

ERIK: How are we supposed to-

AUTHORESS: I don't know. I have nothing planned, out yet, moron! Find out for yourself

ERIK: _(mockingly) _Find out for yourself, find out for yourself...

_(Okay, I know who to put in now! The bright light appears, and Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Lion __appears. I would put that little dog in, but I can't remember it's name)_

DOROTHY: I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore...

ERIK: _(sarcastically) _Noooooo...


	9. SHARK ATTACK!

Chapter nine

Raoul gets an Idea and a Shark gets a Meal

NARRATOR: We last left off as-

NEW NARRATOR: uh, hello! I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm here-

NARRATOR: Oh, yes I've noticed

NEW NARRATOR: And I want to start the story sometimes! It's like, you always get to do it, but now it's _my_ turn! So share, Ms. Big Headed meanie!

NARRATOR: Ooh, big headed meanie! Okay, start off then

NEW NARRATOR: Ummmmmm...okay, there was bright lights, peeps flew out of the lights, people with a _very_ bad fashion sense, FYI...anyway, there was stuff that happened...and more stuff...then stuff again...Oh, look it's my boyfriend! OhMiGod, I have to go say hi to him! Yea, later

NARRATOR: There you have it, the last chapter. Brilliantly summarized. The girl's a genious. Well, here's chapter nine!

CARLOTTA: _(proudly) _I deed a jeeg

TIN MAN: If I only had a brain

CARLOTTA: Vhat? I deed!

DOROTHY: Where are we?

ERIK: IN A FREAKIN' WINTER WONDERLAND, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MEG: Okay, we should actually try to be nice to people. So, umm, who are you?

COWARLY LION: _(stuttering, holding the tip of his tail) _I'm the-the the Cowardly Lion

RON: Great, more talking animals

TIN MAN: I am the Tin Man

ERIK: Be careful not to rust, Man of Tin

SCARECROW: And I'm the Scarecrow

CHRISTINE: _(to Dorothy) _And who are you?

DOROTHY: I'm Dorothy, and we're looking for the Wizard of Oz

HARRY: _(sarcasm alert) _You're really gonna find him here

PETER: Heheheh...hey, it's the freakin scarecrow!

SCARECROW:...

RAOUL: _(gets a lighter that magically appeared out of nowhere. Shut up, it did!)_ Hey, Scarecrow, wanna smoke?

_(throws the lighter at the scarecrow, who lights on fire and runs around screaming)_

STEWIE: _(evilly)_ Thas right...burn...

BRIAN: Whoa

CHRISTINE/MEG: _(screams, DUH)_

SCARECROW: AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! I'M MELLLLTEEENNG!

_(he turnes to a pitiful amount of ash and dies)_

RAOUL: Okay, if you don't want one _(takes lighter and puts it...somewhere...I will establish where by the end of this story!)_

DORA: _(screams)_

DOROTHY: Oh my!

TIN MAN: Eh...he had a good run

ERIK: One down...sixteen more to go...

CHRISTINE: What was that?

ERIK: Oh nothing _(grabs a handful of snow and throws it at the Tin Man, who immeadiatley and wierdly starts rusting)_

TIN MAN: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I'M RUSSSSTEENG! _(he falls down dead, a rusted piece of scrap metal. Eh, I was bored of them already anyway)_

DOROTHY: That was an awful thing to do!

ERIK: Eh, he didn't have a heart. I say it's a good thing, he could've killed every one of us

CHRISTINE: Erik, you don't have a heart

RAOUL: _(verrrry slow, not realizing that they were already dead) _EEEEEEEEEEEK!

ERIK: They're dead already, Fop!

MEG: Instead of yelling at each other, we should probably tell all of the new people who we are

ERIK: I refuse to say a word. How about you do all the intros, Ms. Nice?

MEG: Okay, my name is Meg-

RAOUL: _(to Erik)_ Wait, you're not gonna talk?

ERIK: ­_(shakes head)_

RAOUL: If you still love Christine, say aye! Aye

ERIK: Damn...aye

RON: Aye

CHRISTINE: Aye

DORA: Aye _(everyone looks at her) _What?

MEG: _Any_way, this is Erik, Raoul, Christine, Carlotta, Dora, Boots, Peter-

PETER: hehe..._Peee_ter

MEG: Hey, it's _your_ name! Anyway, Brian, Stewie, Quazimodo, Harry, Ron, and Hermione

COWARDLY LION: The-that's an awful lot of names...

DOROTHY: So how do we get back home?

ERIK: Well now, you little bitch, if we knew, we wouldn't still be here, now would we-

HERMIONE: I think what he's trying to say is...we don't know

_(they all stand around, thinking of ways to get out)_

RAOUL: Can we make a boat?

_(everyone stares at him, amazed)_

MEG: Hey, that actually is a really good idea!

BRIAN: One problem: What would we make it out of?

RAOUL: Ice!

ERIK: Okay, the Fop finally proved to us that he has brains! Now we need to find a piece of ice big enough

_(they all see an iceberg about fifteen feet long, perfect to make a boat)_

RAOUL: We could use that

CARLOTTA: But somevone 'as to get eet

ERIK: I know how we will decide who has to get it! _(there is a dramatic close up on his face)_

A contest of..._(drumroll) _Rock...Paper...Scissors!

EVERYONE: _(cheers)_

_(well, I'm too lazy to write the contest, so I'll just tell you who has to go into the freezing waters to get the iceberg. Carlotta, Raoul, Dora, Boots, Brian, Peeeeeeter, Hermione, Dorothy, and the Cowardly lion. Hahah ( :p ) )_

CARLOTTA: Outrage...thees whole affair is an outrage...

ERIK: Hey, you didn't say that in the version that we were based off of

CARLOTTA: Fine... 'ow about thees...she's the one behind this: Kristeen Daae!

CHRISTINE: what?

RON: You guys should go and get it, then

_(the ones that lost slipped into the water, freezing their asses off. They all swam toward the Iceberg, and slowly pushed it toward the others. Then right as they were heading back to the land...)_

HERMIONE/DOROTHY/CARLOTTA/RAOUL: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

MEG: What is it?

HERMIONE: It's a shark! _(she get's pulled underwater, and the water turns red)_

CHRISTINE/MEG: _(screams. BETCHA COULDN't FIGURE THAT ONE OUT, HUH?)_

DORA: Oh no, it's a shark! Quick, we have to yell stop in spanish so he won't eat us! Yell- _(she and Boots are pulled underwater)_

_(everyone starts to panic. The ones that were in the water tried to get to land as fast as they could, and the ones on land were screaming and not really helping at all. Eventually everyone in the water got shamelessly ripped apart by the shark, except for Carlotta because she rocks, and Raoul because he provides major comedy)_

CHRISTINE: Oh god, oh god, oh god...Raoul! Are you okay?

RAOUL: Oh, Christine, I- _(Chistine kisses him. Raoul, confused, smiles stupidly)_

RON: Hey, what about me?

CHRISTINE: I'm not married to you, am I? Besides, nearly losing Raoul makes me realize how much I love him

RON: You really are a whore

ERIK: Okay, I am now over Christine. Hmmm... who to love? _(sees Carlotta) _Well, she isn't really ugly..._(walks over to her)_

I just noticed how beautiful your voice is

CARLOTTA: Ummm...thanks?

ERIK: I'm looking for someone to-

CARLOTTA: You're 'ot. Okay

_(they kiss, then hold hands)_

HARRY: HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN THE FACT THAT HALF OF US HAS JUST GOTTEN EATEN BY A SHARK!

STEWIE: Oh, I remember. But I could do well without the dog and fat man

ERIK: Yea, no one that matters died. So why should we care?

MEG: Okay, well, we should try to make the boat now, I guess

_(they carve the ice into a boat, and hop on. It magically doesn't sink, so they use long chunks of ice for oars)_

CHRISTINE: So Meg, which way should we-Oh God, get a room!

_(Meg and Quazi are now kissing)_

MEG: What? It's not like you don't kiss men infront of everyone! Well, I guess we should go that way?

CHRISTINE: Okay...Onward!

_(they row that way) _


	10. A Conclusion for an Endless Story

Chapter Ten

A Conclusion to a Seemingly Never Ending Story

NEW NARRATOR: Yea, honey. I told you, purple is _sooo_ not you're color! See, this blue shirt totally looks hot on you, but-

NARRATOR: Hey, will you stop talking to your stupid boyfriend? You have a job here

NEW NARRATOR: Yea, and that is to watch you do what I'm supposed to do!

NARRATOR: Oh, god I hope you're not going to be in the sequel

NEW NARRATOR: Well, too bad for you, cause I am!

NARRATOR: Oh, god...Hey, what's you're name, anyway?

NEW NARRATOR: Kae...

NARRATOR: Oh God, KAE? I'm Hap!

NEW NARRATOR: OhMiGawd, my older sister is the other narrator! Excuse me, I have to go barf in that dark little corner there...

NARRATOR: Wow, who woulda thunk...hey, thas a funny word!...thunk...Anyway, while my sister is having emotional breakdowns-

NEW NARRATOR: Okay, I'm done! I'll start the story! Okay, we last left off as-

RAOUL: _(singing) _Sailing,

Sailing,

Into the sea we go

Look out for a storm

She might come up

And then the wind will BLLLLOOOWWWW!

ERIK: Oh God, SHUT UP!

STEWIE: I say, has he gone completley mad?

MEG: No, Raoul's always been like that. Don't worry about it

RON: Yea, it's the state that his mental little mind is in right now

RAOUL: Hey, did you call me mental?

CHRISTINE: _(sweetly. suck up) _No Raoul, he said you're special

ERIK: In more ways than one

ERIK/RON: _(snicker)_

CHRISTTINE: ERIK YOU FRIGGIN IDIOT, IF YOU DON'T STOP MAKING FUN OF RAOUL'S MENTAL STATUS I'LL HURT YOU

ERIK: Ooh, pain, something I'm totally not accustomed to after a childhood of living with gypsies

CHRISTINE: _(gives him a look worthy of death)_

_(awkward silence)_

RAOUL: Well, this is rather boring

ERIK: Nooooo...

RAOUL: Hey, remember that time-

ERIK: Why, thas a capitol idea, my dear Raoul! Let's go take a walk down ol' memory lane!

_(Erik and Raoul join hans and start skipping merrily down a happy little road with flowers and all that crap, holding baskets. Suddenly they link into the real world and see that everyone is staring awkwardly at them)_

CHRISTINE: Were you two just _skipping?_

RAOUL: maybe

ERIK: OH, GOD I'M GOING INSANE! LIKE...HIM! _(points at Raoul, who has his finger about a mile up his nose)_

_(suddenly a giant shark jumps up from the water and cracks their little iceberg in two. Raoul, Christine, Erik, and Carlotta are on one piece, and Harry, Ron, Stewie, Meg, and Quazi are on the other. Ooh, vhat vill become of our precious vittle hevoes? Okay, done talking like Carlotta. Read on to find out!)_

HARRY: AAH, WE'RE SEPARATING! _(they are drifting apart)_

ERIK: No, duh

HARRY: WHAT?

ERIK: I SAID, NO DUH!

HARRY: OH, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!

ERIK/CHRISTINE/RAOUL/CARLOTTA: WHAT?

HARRY: NEVERMIND, BYE! IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!

MEG: AHH, CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE: MEG!

_(okay, now they floated so far apart that they can't even see each other.So we shall join Harry and his iceberg for now)_

MEG: _(cries)_

RON: Oh, shut up. Look over there! It's an island! _(they're iceberg floats toward that island, and that's where I'll stop, or for Harry's iceberg atleast. Now we join the now crazy Erik!)_

CHRISTINE: _(starts humming)_

RAOUL: Aren't you sad that Meg's gone?

CHRISTINE: What? Oh, not really. She was annoying

ERIK: Yea, talked too much

ALL: yea

CARLOTTA: Vell, vere are ve going?

ERIK: wherever the mighty sea leads us

_Fin_

_(Yaay...I can finally write that!)_


	11. No break for Raoul

Chapter eleven

No break for Raoul

NARRATOR: Wait, what's going on? Isn't this story done? I thought there was a sequel already!

NEW NARRATOR: Well, shea, but that was totally the worst ending ever, so here we are

NARRATOR: So we're doing an alternative ending?

NEW NARRATOR: Yea...

NARRATOR: AND the sequel?

NEW NARRATOR: Yea...

NARRATOR: Sweet. So where'r we starting?

NEW NARRATOR: In chapter ten, right after they got split up.

NARRATOR: Yea, did you notice that Stewie just kinda dissapeared there?

NEW NARRATOR: Shea

NARRATOR: Yea. well, here's Harry Potter and the Idiots of the Iceberg chapter eleven, rising up from the dead

NEW NARRATOR: Hey, my grama did that once!

NARRATOR: Shut up, Kae

(We join Erik, Christine, Raoul, and Carlotta)

ERIK: Wait...where the hell are we?

Raoul: Yea, we was in the future

AUTHORESS: Don't ponder about that and make some laughs

ALL EXCEPT AUTHORESS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

CHRISTINE: Hey, I think I see the others over there! See, that little white dot? ( the others look, and sure enough they were there)

ERIK: Quick, row away. Maybe they didn't see us...(starts rowing away)

CHRISTINE: Erik!

(The bright light appears again (oh god what am I gonna do this time) and people appear. Those people are Gerry Butler, Emmy Rossum, Patrick Wilson, and Minnie Driver. The only reason I'm doing this is because I had another story where they meet, but it got taken down. So I'm bringing them all here)

ERIK: Oh great. Who the hell are these people?

PATRICK:(oh yea, just to tell you He looks like he did in the bonus features in the dvd, if any of you saw that. Y'know, in the making of the phantom of the Opera, where he's singing the end of Prima Donna, where he looks half decent, not foppish, and hot? Yea, like that)Where are we? HOw on earth did we get here?

GERRY: (who looks like his normal hot self) You all look slightly familiar

ERIK: Like I said before, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?

EMMY:(looks more like she did in the Day After Tomorow) I'm emmy rossum, this is-

CHRISTINE: HA!

ALL EXCEPT HER: jump

CARLOTTA: Vhat!

CHRISTINE: I told you she exists! But noooo, you didn't believe me! (starts hyperventalating)

ERIK: Christine...CHRISTINE! Slow down...what the hell are you talking about?

CHRISTINE: Okay...remember in about the middle of chapter seven, when I told you that I blame Emmy rossum for me smiling too much?

RAOUL: Ummm...

CHRISTINE: Yea, but you said that she's imaginary?

ERIK: Oh yea, I remember that!

CHRISTINE: well, SHE'S REAL! (takes Emmy's arm and waves it)

EMMY: Okay, to anyone that cares, I am seriously scared

ERIK: Anyone that cares? (looks around) Y'know what, I don't think anyone does

(oh yes I just want to make it clear that I based Erik, Chrisitne, Raoul, and Carlotta off the ones in the movie, so they look alot like Gerry, Emmy, Pat and Minnie. So yea)

GERRY: Well, Im Gerard Butler, that's emmy rossum, that's Patrick Wilson, and there's Minnie Driver

CHRISTINE AND CARLOTTA: (looks dazed at Gerry) Ooh, he's hot

EMMY AND MINNIE: I know, isn't he?

GERRY: (looks around)

CHRISTINE, EMMY, CARLOTTA AND MINNIE: (laughs)

CHRISTINE: Oh, how cute

ERIK: Grr

CHRISTINE: (goes over to Gerry)

ERIK: GRR.

CHRISTINE: Hey, so you're name's Gerard?

GERRY: Yes, infact it is

ERIK: GRR. (goes over and grabbs Christine)

MINNIE: (who looks like Carlotta, but without an extravagant hat, an overdose of makeup, and not as mean-looking)So, who are you?

CARLOTTA: Im Carlotta, this is-

PATRICK: Wait, let me guess! That's Erik or the infamous Opera Ghost, you're Chrisitine, he's Raoul, and you're Carlotta

ERIK, CHRISTINE, CARLOTTA AND RAOUL: claps

PATRICK: Yea, I'm friggin psychic

RAOUL: (goes over to Emmy) Christine, give me a break

EMMY: Um, I'm not Christine...

RAOUL: Well, of course you are!

CARLOTTA: (points to Christine) Thees ees-

CHRISTINE: (whisper) Shut up

RAOUL: GIMME A BREAK, GIMME A BREAK!

EMMY: I DON'T HAVE A BREAK!

RAOUL: I WANNA BREAK!

EMMY: How about YOU give ME a break!

RAOUL: (curls up on the ground and cries)

EMMY: Well, that right there was disturbing

ERIK: Preach it, sister


	12. No break for Raoul or emmy

Chapter twelve

No break for Raoul or emmy

Minnie: Oh gosh, it's cold here

Erik: No duh, it's Antarctica

RAoul: God, ERIK! Why do you have to be so mean to everybody?

Christine: Yeah, they're just stating the obvious

Erik: (sobs) Don't blame me! I was raised that way! (goes off into a corner of the iceberg)

CHristine: Oh, poor Erik (goes over to comfort him)

Emmy: Um, yess...poor Erik (Also goes over to comfort him)

Christine: HEY, STAY AWAY! ERIK'S MINE!

Erik: (happily) I am?

CHRISTINE: YES, HE'S MINE, AND YOU STAY WITH YOUR GERRY!

Emmy: (looks over at Gerry) Can't I be entitled to have both?

Christine: Well, then can I have both?

Emmy: (shakes head)

Christine: WELL, then... NO.

Emmy: (does that super ninja move that you always see on tv) hwaaaa...

Christine: (does another superninja move that you see on tv) hissss...

Raoul: Ooh, girl on girl action

PAt: Y'know, Raoul and I are here, and we are also men

Emmy/Christine: (still doing that ninja thang that was goin on there)

PAt: Well then, fine. Who cares about you anyway.

Erik: (looks at chris then at emmy) Y'know what, I don't care who wins, as long as I get some

Christine/Emmy: (starts fighting ninja-style. Christine wins)

Emmy: Dizz-amn

Christine: Ha. HA! (goes over to erik and gerry and hugz them)

Carlotta: Congradulations, oo beet oor eemaginary friend

Christine/emmy: She's/I'm not imaginary!

Erik/gerry: O yes she/you is/are!

Emmy:Well, fine then! I'll go to where I feel loved. (looks around. Everyone backs away from her except for Raoul, who's just kinda zonin out there) (goes over to him)

Raoul: Whuzzazuzzuzuh? Christine love Raoul again? Yaaaayy...

Emmy: (kisses him) we _all_ know that Raoul is better than Erik

Carlotta: Ummm...

Christine: Shut up, we'll let her learn on her own. Oh wait i forgot I had these (pulls out kit kat bars from underneath her dress. Hey, those are big ass dresses, you know!) Who wants a break?

Everyone else: I DO!

Christine: Okay, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, and one for you

Raoul: But Cwistine, you forgot about me

Emmy: Yeah, and I guess I don't exist here, either

Erik: (sarcastically) Oh, Christine! Did you forget about the fop and foppess? Well, how could you! Give them some chocolate this instant!

Raoul: Why, thank you Erik for appreciating the fop and foppess. Hey, wait a second...(blanks out) (points at Emmy) Haha, you're a foppess!

Emmy: Well, you're a fop

Raoul: (ponders the complicated words that have just come out of Chris-I mean Emmy, shut up thats what I said! Anyway, ponders the complicated words that have just come out of EMMY'S mouth) Hhahah! I'm a fop! I'll bet you wish you were a fop!

Emmy: Actually, I don't

Raoul: (blanks out again) CHRISTINE, YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A BREAK! (Starts to attack emmy ape-style)

Emmy: If I'm christine, then who's that? (points to Christine)

Raoul: Emmy Rossum

Minie: You know, I think we're acting like it's not about 150 degrees below.

Erik: You stated that it was cold in the beginning of this chapter

Minnie: Yes, and I will end it like that, too. It's cold.

(and there was silence, except for raoul going all ape on emmy's ass, (courtesy to Aha, and no, not the thing that you did to Ricky, that was NINJA on his ass, not ape) until...

Carlotta: I DEED A JEEG!

Erik: WHO CARES! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE END OF THE FRIGGIN CHAPTER!

Carlotta: Don't mess weeth a girl who deed a jeeg

Emmy: Raoul's still going all ape on me, and I wouldn't like to end this chapter freaked out by this man, like I did the last one.

Minnie: Then we shall end it with me saying this: It's cold here


	13. DON'T MAKE HER CRY!

Chapter thirteen

NARRATOR#2: Y'all know where we were.

ERIK: Well, it's beginning to get dark again. Hopefully no supposed Phantom driven insane will attempt to drown anyone in the shadows...

RAOUL: And hopefully no hungry Raoul will eat Christine 'cause she didn't give him a break

ERIK: You idiot, I was trying to make a threat...suggesting I would really do it!

RAOUL: WELL, SO WAS I! GOD, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?

ALL: (stare at him)

RAOUL: What? I can be a cannibal if I want! Watch! (takes Pat and starts eating his arm)

PAT: AAAH! AAAAA, GOD! AA GOD HELP ME! AAAAHH GOD!

RAOUL: Yummers. Tastes like chicken.

CARLOTTA: I vonder vhat 'oo taste like

RAOUL: Yeah, I wonder. (Bites himself) Mmm, also tastes like chicken

ERIK: (high fives carlotta)

EMMY: Hey, stop tricking my boyfriend!

CHRISTINE: Oh, so now he's your boyfriend again?

ERIK: Oh, yay. Are you girls gonna have another fight? Those are hot

EMMY: MAYBE WE ARE!

CHRSTINE: YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU!

EMMY: (sarcastically sobbing) You don't have to say it like that!

RAOUL: (glares at Christine)Hey, Emmy, don't make my girlfriend cry!

ALL: (stare at him...again)

CHRISTINE: (goes over and whispers to Emmy, who nods)

EMMY: Okay, Raoul. I won't make your girlfriend cry

RAOUL: (looks around) Whuzzazuzuzuh?

CHRISTINE: (shovs Emmy) God, Emmy! Stop making me cry! Can't you see I'm sobbing over here?

RAOUL: (ponders a moment) Can I have both of you do me, then?

CHRISTINE/EMMY(heehee...alphabetical order): NO


	14. Reunited NOOOOO

Chapter 14

NARRATOR: Okay, tihs is all getting incredibly repetative. AUTHOREsS?

ME: Yuppers?

NARRATOR: How bout putting in your new obsession?

ME:D OMG WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!

(bright light appears again, and BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG comes out YAYAYA! GO GREEN DAY!)

BILLIE JOE: What the f-

RAOUL: WAAAH IM SO CONFUZZLED AND NOW NEW PEOPLES ARE COMING AND BAD LANGUAGE MAKES RAOUL MAAAAAAAAADD!

ERIK: Shitty shitty damn ass faggot

RAOUL:...WAAAAAH!

EMMY: (to Billie Joe) OOHH OOH CAN YOU SING MINORITY?

BILLIE JOE: Sure babe (brings out a guitart and starts singing)

I WANNA BE THE MINORITY

I DON'T NEED YOWR AUTHORITY

DOWN WITH THE MORAL MAJORITY CAUSE...

CARLOTTA: (happens to be singing along with him)

EVERYONE ELsE: (stares at her)

CARLOTTA: Vhat?

ERIK: You know, it is getting rather crowded on this small iceberg...we probably shall have to toss some people off, like y'know, a sacrifice to the great gods or something...

ALL: (stares at Raoul and Emmy)

RAOUL: pointes at Emmy

Emmy: (points at Raoul)

MINNIE: I don't think the gods'll want them, they may intoxicate everyone

RAOUL: With our idiogeniousity?

ERIK:...exACTLY...

RAOUL: I'm hungry. I'll help us clear the ice off. (grabs Pat and eats him)

CHRIsTINE: (shriek) aAA GOD WE DON'T HAVE TO RESULT TO CANNIBALISM

ERIK: (to Billie Joe) Shall we kill all the fags that don't agree (If u don't get it listen to Holiday)

BILLIE JOE: Hell yah

CHRIsTINE: AAAAH GOD WE MUST RESULT TO CANNIBaLISM

BILLY JOE: Hell yah

(they hear a shout coming from like somewhere far away. They look and see the other iceberg)

MEG: CHRIsTINE! CHRISTINE IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE Yoooh, who's the hot guy?

ERIK: O god just row away, pretend like we didn't see them...

BILLIY JOE: Hey babe

CHRIsTINE: (muttering) Yeah great to see you too, whore

MEG: (gasps) O no you didn't!

ERIK: OOH, you gonna get in another bitch fight? Here Emmy join them. (shovs emmy towards them) Lets throw some Minnie in there, too(shovs Minnie)

CARLOTTA: Vhat about me? Again...

RON: You've got top be kidding me. Who are all they?

GERRY: I'm Gerard Butler, that's Minnie Driver and Emmy Rossum, Billie Joe Armstrong, and the remains of Patrick Wilson

HARRY: Why just the remains?

GERRY: (stares at Raoul)

HARRY: Oh, I see...

ERIK: What happened to that baby...Stewie?

RON: went insane and jumped

MINNIE: Eh, it happenes...

AUTHORESS: Okay, um I don't want my obsession to get harmed in any way/shape/or form, so...

(Billie Joe dissapears)

MEG: Awww...I liked him...

(Quazi stared sadly up at her)

RAOUL: It's okay ugly man, I still love you (tries to hug him)

QUAZI:(backs away scared)

EVERYONE: (stares at Raoul)


	15. Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

Chapter 15

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

MINNIE: So...what now?

ERIK: How about we kill the foppess?

(all stare at Emmy)

EMMY: (stares and points at Raoul) Wait...why are you all looking at me? Raoul's over there

RON: Don't mention...IT! He'll think we care about him!

RAOUL: (goes to hug Ron)

RON: AAAAAA! (points at Emmy) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

MEG: (walks over and sees Raoul hugging Ron) Uuuummmm...what are you guys watching?

ERIK: Brokeback Mountain. Sets good examples

MINNIE: (sarcasm joy) Yes...especially on the young and impressionable...(stares at Ron and Harry)

RAOUL: (valley girl like) Por FAVOR...no hablar ingles

CARLOTTA: (sighs) Idiota

RAOUL: I'm sorry, but I only speak English

CARLOTTA: Vatevah

RON: Ummm...CAN SOMEONE SAVE ME?

RAOUL: What's the magic word?

RON: ummm...Por favor?

RAOUL: GOD, WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN? I ONLY SPEAK ELVISH! (dumps Ron and stomps off)

CARLOTTA:...si!

VOICE: Muchos buenos!

(Dora and Boots reappear)

ERIK: Oh HELL no...

BOOTS: You meanes thought that you could get rid of us!

ERIK: Yes, and we were quite happy with that thought, thank you

DORA: You're welcome

MEG:...no, actually...he's not

(Everyone gasps)

HARRY: Did Meg just...TALK BACK?

GERRY: I think so...

DORA: That wasn't very nice!

MEG:...okay...That is IT! I am SICK of being so damn QUIET!

DORA:...find your happy place...

MEG: I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!(jumps on Dora and beats her up)

MINNIE:...maybe we should do something? (stares at Erik)

ERIK: Yeah...you're right(goes over to Dora and kicks her) Hey kid. Stop it. YOu're embarrassing me

DORA: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

ERIK: (shrugs) I''ve done all I can do

GERRY: Which really wasn't much

ERIK:(whispers to him) ssshhhhh...I'm trying to impress the girls...

GERRY AND ERIK: (looks over at them)

CHRISTINE: (sleeping)

EMMY: (also sleeping)

CARLOTTA: (singing)

MINNIE: (praying)

MEG AND DORA: (fighting)

GERRY: Oh yeah. They're REAL impressed.

HARRY: You know, we really don't have that much to impress

RON: yeah. I wish we had something...better

(rbright light appears again. Britney Spears and Paris Hoilton come)

GERRY/RON/HARRY/ERIK:AAAAAAA! TAKE IT AWAY!

EMMY: (wakes up)

CHRISTINE: (wakes up and falls on Emmy) What?

GERRY/RON/HARRY/ERIK: THAT! (points to Britney and Paris)

EMMY: (pushes Christine off) We'll take sare of this

CHRISTINE: (looks at Emmy)

EMMY: (looks at Christine)

BOTH:(nods and pulls up sleeves)

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

EVERYONE: (dancing over remains of Paris and Britney) WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS...

MEG: That was so awesome, we even stopped fighting!

GERRY: That was pretty pimpin'...

HARRY: And to think...we didn't think you girls were much to impress!

CHRISTINE: Well, you don't think that now, do you?

GERRY/RON/HARRY/ERIK: HELL NO!


End file.
